On Rubbish Dominants and RLV

AKA "Stop being so bloody judgemental"

The other day I was watching a discussion take place, in group IM, between a small group of subs. The subject turned to (as it often does) good and bad dominants. The group in question has a membership who are generally heavy users of RLV so, unsurprisingly, knowledge of RLV is seen by many of them as an important quality in a dominant.

Which is fine. I'm a fan of RLV myself (and have been know to defend its use on a number of occasions -- that's a future blog entry). While my use of Second Life, as a venue to explore D/s, doesn't require RLV at its core, I do find that it adds an extra dimension that I deeply enjoy. I think it's also fair to say that any Domme I would ever submit to would be the sort of person who feels the same (it's a compatibility issue really, it's about being like-minded, about seeing things in a similar way). I consider myself very lucky that Miss Vila is just that person, that she enjoys using RLV, and that she accepted my submission.

What concerned me about the discussion was the very negative terms that were used about dominants who don't know RLV very well, or at all. The general opinion, in the discussion, seemed to be one of "how can anyone not know RLV?" or "why don't dominants know how to use all of the restraints I own?"

Not direct quotes, but that was the general thrust.

The wider complaint, of course, was that it wasn't possible to find a "good" dominant and part of that definition was that all "good" dominants must know how to use RLV, must know how to use RLV well, must know how to construct a good scene with RLV and, above all, must have a deep understanding of all possible toys and all possible combinations of #RLV folder contents.

I find that thinking more than a little crazy and very self-defeating. Sure, I can imagine it's very frustrating to be in a roleplay with someone who has given the impression that they're handy with RLV but who spend all of their time just button-pushing and not RPing. But they have to ask themselves this: how is anyone supposed to learn RLV in the first place? Where are all these RLV-expert dominants coming from? How do they get to be so handy with RLV?

A related complaint, from one of the subs, was that they spend a lot of time and a lot of effort making outfits, and even whole avatars, in their #RLV folder. And, yet, almost none of the dominants that they'd met knew how to make good use of this or how to "correctly" RP the use of those creations. Which is no surprise, I imagine that is the case, but I'd suggest that it's not the dominant's fault. The problem (not that it is a problem) is that dominants are not mind readers.

Think about it: any sub or slave who cares enough to put together sets of restraints (or, in my case, build RLV toys) will have a fantasy in mind. I'd suggest that it's almost impossible to not fantasise about how those items will be used on you. I'd suggest that it's the fantasy that creates the urge to put together those outfits and those whole avatars. And there's no way that any random dominant will know what your fantasy is. They just won't. And, so, without setting out to do so, you've set them up to fail before you've even met them.

My suggestions to those subs are:

1. Stop expecting Second Life to hand you RLV-knowledgeable dominants on a plate. Use of RLV doesn't make anyone a dominant, and the mark of a dominant isn't use of RLV. An RLV-using dominant might very well be your ideal (join the club), but surely the spark, the common ground, the ability to communicate and create a scene together is what matters first? And if that person isn't so good with RLV, why not spend some OOC time with them, do the whole button-push thing, show them your cool toys, tell them why those toys make you hot and how they push your buttons. If you do that the "supply" of RLV-knowledgeable dominants will increase.
2. Stop expecting dominants to be mind-readers who will know your every fantasy because you have a well-stocked #RLV folder and/or because you've given some clues in your avatar name and/or in your picks. It doesn't matter that you've got a mind-control-implant-wearing banesuit-clad ponygirl avatar in your folders, that communicates nothing about the story you had running through your mind that caused you to hit the SL marketplace in the first place. If you really must play out your fantasy, don't be so passive and expect the dominant to do all the work. Get to know them, tell them about your fantasy, spend some time (perhaps days, even weeks), work on playing it out.

Of course, it could be that you're looking for a quick play, that you can't or won't spend the time that's needed. That's okay. That's understandable. But, if that's the case, stop being so bloody judgemental. Consider the idea that that dominant you met, who you wanted to play with for a couple of hours, wasn't crap just because they didn't know your particular cuffs, or didn't know about your fetish that caused you to have a custard-filled bunny suit that they could have forced on you. Consider the idea that, perhaps, just perhaps, they were willing to learn, willing to have fun along with you, were willing to help play out your fantasy, but you didn't help them.

And, consider this: I've being wearing Miss Vila's collar for 15 months now. When we met I was just learning about what RLV could do, and Miss knew even less about it. When we met, I taught her what little I knew, and from there we learnt together. At the start I was leading, teaching, suggesting, setting the pace, because I was the one who knew what could be done and how you might do it. And then, one day, it all switched. Miss was fully in charge, was comfortable and confident with RLV, and knew what she wanted from it and used it to satisfy her wishes.

Imagine if, at the start, I'd decided she was a rubbish Domme because she didn't know RLV...